Showing posts with label Tribeca. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tribeca. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Portabello's Pizzeria & Sicilian Kitchen: "Ummm... no thanks, I'll pass... I've actually got plans and can't make it sorry man, really important stuff to do, you know like...

I had a good feeling about , for some reason. It just looked like it would be good to me, but obviously I was just over-caffeinated and too easily fooled. The place had a lot of style and charm, though. It looked like it had been there for a while, and there was like, a really sloppy smattering of newspaper clippings taped to the walls in this haphazard fashion, with no real aesthetic sensibility or regard for any sense of order, and I just found it so endearing. But the pizza was super lame, so fucking whatever, they can have all the endorsements for Staten Island boxing gyms in the world and I still will never come back!

This slice looked fine and didn't smell bad or anything, but then it just wasn't good. The first bite had a big glob of sauce and the sauce was nasty. I was totally too sweet and tasted super chemical-y. Definitely not my thing. Luckily, the rest of the slice had little to no sauce on it! Unluckily, the cheese and crust sucked too. Or, the cheese was fine, I guess, but the crust was soggy and boring, and absent a decent sauce it really had nothing to offer me. Lew said, "if this was my only slice of pizza when I was visiting I'd be really bummed." And I think that's all you really need to know. He is not from here but even he knows that this pizza is lame.


Portabello Pizzeria & Sicilian Kitchen - $2.75
83 Murray St (W. Broadway & Greenwich)
New York, NY 10007

Monday, June 6, 2011

Tribeca Pizza: "Starts strong, ends shitty."

So last week I went and ate pizza with my friend . I have known Lew, not so well, for a long time. When I was thinking about writing this introduction, I was going to say that we had our first real conversation when Lew's old band Party Garbage played an afternoon show with a band I was in with Joe Porter during their three hour layover flying from Austin to somewhere in Europe. It was one of the coolest things I've ever witnessed, and although Lew told me some of them were stressed out about missing the flight, they all seemed pretty casual when they were playing and drinking beers on the roof.

BUT, it turns out I was wrong about that, and I've actually "known" Lew in some capacity for like, fifteen years! As we were walking down Greenwich Street, Lew looked over at my Really Punk Vest and noticed my "" patch, which has a picture of a photocopy machine and that text. He said, "you know, Microcosm actually ripped that off from an old patch I used to make."
And my eyes lit up, because I had had that patch, and the Microcosm variant never quite measured up. "It was the same idea, right?" I asked him, "A copy machine and the text 'copy and destroy,' but yours was more crudely done, and it was on this kind of insubstantial red fabric."
And Lew was like, "Yeah, that's it."
"Dude, yes! I used to have that patch. I sewed it on the arm of this awkwardly big men's overcoat I used to wear as an alternative teen. A bunch of the security guards at my high school were like, ex-Panthers or at least purported to be, and we would talk about politics all the time and they would always tell me the red patch on the arm of my black overcoat made me look like a nazi. And I was always like, 'but you don't understand! This is about fanzines!' What was your zine called, anyway? I've been trying to remember the name of the zine of the guy who sent me that patch when I was fifteen for the years."

At this point Lew told me the name of the zine, which I will not reprint here, even though I just googled it and nothing really comes up. Although just for kicks I googled MY old zine next, and found a zine review of one of Lew's less old zine's where the reviewer says it is reminiscent of my old zine which was ripping off Lew's OLDER zine! Basically me and Lew comprise like, a US zine maker oroboros and we will either one day meld into a super man or else I will have to cut off his head for .

Our first stop was , which I found promising because it had a pretty classic look to the insides and seemed like it had been there for a really long time. They have a nice outdoor seating area, which seems like a good place to chill and chain smoke newports, which there was a weird like, Tribeca Thug teenager doing when Lew and I arrived. He quickly scurried inside when I told him I was taking a picture of the front of the place for my website, but he was a grandiose specimen of Tribeca thuggery. I remember when I was a teenager there were these rumors about these like, roving gangs of rich kids from Tribeca and the Upper West Side and stuff who would just mob places in big flocks and beat people up because they were bored. The news blamed rap music, but as far as I can tell from historically accurate movies like and , rich kids have been mobbing up and beating down folks for fun since at least the dinosaur times.

But the pizza! Though initially promising, this pizza was not very good. When I folded this slice in half, it crunched audibly in a way that portended great things! And my first bite was phenomenal. Good crunch, great ratios, nothing spectacular about the flavors, but nothing to complain about either. And then things started going wrong. As we progressed through the slice, the dough thickened, and what happened when it thickened was not good. It began to have a very crumbly texture. The kind of thing where it seems to come apart in big chunks but then the chunks shatter to dust, like when you're doing demo and you take a sledgehammer to drywall. I've never actually read all of Gravity's Rainbow, but I have read the first 80 pages like, twice, maybe. It takes place throughout Europe during WWII and there is this one scene that is in like, some bombed out city and these two military dudes lose a dog, right? As you can see I remember this book really well. Anyway, they chase the dog to this bombed out building and they are running around the bombed out building looking for the dog. There is something in Pynchon's description that is so incredibly vivid that it created a really crisp image in my minds eye when I read it, and that image has stuck with me. And when I took bites closer to the heel of this slice, all I could picture was that image. In short, this pizza is the texture of two army officers walking through a bombed out building looking for a dog. Also the crust was 'meh' and the dough needed salt.

I think if they got their crust game down pat, these dudes could have a bangin slice, though. Honestly, I know I took great pains to describe the drawbacks but this slice was more good than bad, and eating it was not an altogether unpleasant experience. Like I said, dough problems aside, this slice had decent cheese and sauce and good ratios for about half of it. If the outer edge were as thin as the inner triangle, the slice would've been the bomb.


Tribeca Pizza -$2.75
378 Greenwich St (at N. Moore)
New York, NY10013

Friday, June 3, 2011

Palermo Pizza: "Someone show these guys how to use the oven!"

is a slight disappointment, but was still the best slice I ate when I walked around with Phil "Phil Chapman is a scumbag" Chapman and Jon the Reporter for the NY Press. The decor was unmemorable, as was the staff. At this point these places are starting to really blend together, and if they're not at least a little charming, and this place wasn't that. I remember the windows being big and bright, and I remember thinking about Bar Mitzvahs, but I think that's just because Jon the Reporter was talking about his Bar Mitzvah when we walked in. Like I said, this place didn't make much of an impression. They had alright coffee, though, and a really clean bathroom, possibly thanks to this sign.

This reminds me of this story Meredith told me about almost getting into a fight at the MOMA during a dance party "curated" by DJ Jazzy Jeff because she stood on the toilet with her head sticking out of her stall and announced, "LADIES! If you are going to hover, please lift the seat. Some of us sit on these things. Collectively our behavior in this bathroom is APPALLING" or something and then some lady was all "shut up" and Meredith was all "make me" or whatever. I don't remember. It's funnier when she tells it. Just ask her about it next time you see her. Or actually don't, that'll probably annoy her. But anyway, either way, nice sign, nice bathroom.

This slice was nearly perfect! It tasted good in every way and seemed to be made of quality ingredients. Like, good cheese, delicious understated sauce, and the dough tasted phenomenal. But the whole thing was pretty undercooked and that hints at a general lack of concern on the part of the proprietors of this place. Like, they put more effort into their bathroom sign than they did into cooking my pizza. And even despite that, it still gets a 6/8 rating! Like, imagine how good this slice would be if they cared about anything besides making clever bathroom puns? Seriously, it would be up in the running for one of the best slices I've had, maybe.


This might could've been a 7-7.5 if it had been cooked! Use that oven, guys.

Palermo Pizza - $2.75
61 Murray St (at W Broadway)
New York, NY 10007

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Cafe Amore's Restaurant: "When the smell hits your nose and you think the dead rose that's Amore"

is a small local chain with three restaurants that serves giant slice of shitty pizza. For a minute I was thinking it was the worst smelling pizzeria in the city, but I actually have a feeling another small local chain, Pastafina, might take that prize home. These places have even less character than the other small local chain, Abitino's, which is a total pretender and chock full of false authenticity, but they at least have some kind of interior design motif. Cafe Amore just has a shelf of decorative wine glasses.

"For display only"
Otherwise, there are pretty much bare walls and formica table tops. I don't know, I don't mind simplicity but this place is just dreary and so is the pizza.

This slice had nothing going for it. No personality. Aminah said it has "the lingering aftertaste of old people," which she admitted she "kind of liked." But Aminah likes disgusting things! Look at her art. She is intrigued by the sick side of life. And while I dabble in the disturbed, my intrigue with the occult doesn't extend to Hellishly Bad Pizza.

Notice the total lack of structural integrity on this slice. When folded the front flops forward like a huge flaccid dong, flopping around under it's weight at the whims of gravity. Looking at it from the front, it creates what I call The Grease Tunnel, and slightly resembles a quivering and trepidatious anus, poised to spray diarrhea everywhere after having received .

Did I spoil your appetite? Does thinking about Trent Reznor giving a slice of pizza an enema and then the pizza shooting greasy, liquid shit all over Marilyn Manson make you feel anything but hungry? Good. Because I don't want you to associate Cafe Amore with food. I want you to associate with gross things, vile things. This is Pavlovian training. Stay away from this place!


Cafe Amore Restaurant - $2.75
147 Chambers St (Hudson & West Broadway)
New York, NY 10007

Monday, May 23, 2011

Dona Bella Pizza: "HELLO!"

I'm not sure if this spot has been for long, but there has definitely been a pizzeria on this corner for as long as I can remember. I distinctly remember eating a couple slices here when I was a poser bike messenger as a teenager. I don't remember if they were any good, but the slice we got the other day definitely wasn't.

This slice was thin and greasy, though not too greasy, and these are both good things, but that is where the goodness ends. The closest textural approximation I can give you for biting into this pizza is that it felt like I was eating a King Cone. You know how when you eat one of those things, you can tell that once, the cone was a rigid and crunchy object, but since it sat in a freezer box full of ice cream for the past year it became, not soggy, but more like, formerly crunch, haunted by the specter of crunch. That is what this slice was like. The cheese was a decent quality, but the sauce had that weird shrimp flavor that bad sauce sometimes has. Aminah said, "I wouldn't recommend it, but I like it," and I tend to agree. Just like III L's, this is distinctly NOT good pizza, but I was totally okay with it.


Dona Bella Pizza - $2.50
154 Church St (at Chambers)
New York, NY 10007
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