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Showing posts with label Kosher. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kosher. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Shalom Chai PIzza: " A shtick natches!"


is a truly wonderful place, but before we get there, let's zoom in on my friends for a minute because this picture is too awesome.


I wish they were in a band together so that this could be the awesome band photo. Best proposed band name wins a copy of the new issue of Slice Harvester Quarterly.

Anyway, Shalom Chai is as awesome on the inside as it is on the outside. This place was boisterous! Like just real loud. There was a pretty diverse crowd in there for a kosher place, including one dude who screamed out everyone's name but ours as they came in. Hopefully at some point this dude is gonna know my name. There was also a table of old dudes with no food who just sat there shit talking for fucking ever! It was so awesome. And the pizza, the pizza was easily the best kosher slice I've ever had.


This slice had great ratios, although according to Meredith, it was "floppier than I would've expected for how crispy it looks," which was true, but all in all, it had a really good texture for a kosher pizza. The cheese didn't taste nasty like many kosher slices of the past, and the crust was pretty good! T-Bone really liked this slice and continued to talk about it all day.

While I was ordering the slice, I noticed something interesting on the chalkboard by the register.


That's right! Pizza Knish! I was intrigued, so I got one, and we ate it! I will eat any food that is advertised as Pizza _______. Give me Pizza Vindaloo, Pizza Sushi, Pizza Pudding. I will try eating it once. And so it was with this Pizza Knish.


This thing was weirdly awesome although not so great. It wasn't hot enough, so the cheese didn't melt all the way, and sauce was the same, kinda nasty paste from the slice. And there wasn't really enough of either. I would probably eat this again, though. Logan said this was "definitely date food," and I can totally see his point. This whole place is awesome. It is so cool to hang out in, they have all those cool animals outside, you can walk over a bridge either before or after. It's a perfect date spot! But the pizza stinks. So does the knish, but at least it's got enough novelty value to be fun to eat.

Rating:


Kosher Scale:


Shalom Chai Pizza - $2.75 (Knish, $3.75)
359 Grand St (Essex & Norfolk)
New York, NY 10002

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Broadway's Jerusalem 2: "Expensive and depressing."


I docked my flotilla of lanky goyem at with little to no incident. I purchased a single cheese slice and a can of cola. Actually, it was purchased for me by one of the gentlemen. I know Jacob did the purchasing but I am unclear who's dollars were spent, as there was a flurry of brandished wallets and one of those Tazmanian Devil clouds and then, whoosh! my pizza was paid for and I was holding it again, suddenly surrounded by fashionable orthodox 20-year-olds.

SCENE REPORT: Fashionable orthodox 20-year-olds out in public flirting with each other are no more or less annoying than fashionable 20-year-olds of any other variety that you run into in New York City. I realize now, the only difference is that maybe these people were married. Whatever.


We ascended a staircase and snaked through a narrow hall, which opened into an enormous room. It was startlingly bright, with yellow walls and these wild day-glo chairs. It reminded me, for some reason, of the YM & YWHA (the H stands for Hamas, my parents were hippies) where I attended summer camp as a youngster. It reminded everyone else of a school cafeteria. Jacob, Matt and Mike reenacted their high school years by sitting alone in the back corner while everyone else in the room refused to even so much as glance at them.


The most interesting thing about this slice was that as soon as we set it down on the table, the tip fell off. Now, I'm not sure what you barbaric gentiles do or don't do to your penises because I haven't kept a catalog of the ethnic origins of the dicks I've seen, but I know when Jews are babies we get the tip of our's cut off. We don't even do it in a hospital, we do it in Jewish Church, or Synagogue. I know this because I saw it happen to my cousin. I don't remember being a baby, so I don't know what happened to my foreskin, , but I do know what happened to this slice's foreskin after it fell off of it's own accord: I picked it up and ate it. And it wasn't very good.

This pizza had all the usual kosher pitfalls. It was was too sweet, the dough was a weird texture, and the cheese totally sucked. After his second or third bite, Matt said, "The cheese taste doesn't go anywhere. You get an initial taste of cheese, and then it just stops."
"No intertia," said Jacob, shaking his head back and forth.
"No cheese intertia," Matt agreed excitedly, "no Lactoinertia. This slice has no Lactoinertia!"
And so a new scientific term was born.

Rating:

Full Disclosure: Jacob rated this slice a 3.5, Matt and Mike both thought it was a 2.

Kosher Scale Rating:


Broadway's Jerusalem 2 - $3.00
1375 Broadway
New York, NY 10018

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Milk'N Honey: "These are the days of wine and roses, riot squads and fire hoses."


It bears noting that Cory always has picture-perfect Slacker Posture, but before entering his shoulders hunched like a frightened animal. Because Cory is knows how bad Kosher food can be. It's kind of like veggie meats. Like, I guess if you're a total vegan you might want to have something resembling a sausage sometimes, so you eat a veggie sausage and you haven't had any real meat in years, and you're all "OMG! This sausage tastes like sausage!" when it actually tastes like maple syrup and "smoke" flavor. And like, kosher pizza is the same thing except I think most people start out Kosher from birth and then stay that way forever, so actually it's not as apt a comparison as I originally thought. And I was so delighted with myself for thinking of it, too! This is a bummer.


But however much of a bummer that was, it was nothing compared to the bummer that was Milk'N Honey's slice. Puh-lease. There was way too much cheese on this slice, and it was in such a monolithic mass that I would've pulled it all off the slice on my second bite if I hadn't intervened. The crust was dry and brittle, and the sauce tasted straight out of the can. Nate kind of liked it though, and I gotta say, it wasn't bad for a kosher slice.

I can really sum up the careless attitude they obviously have towards pizza here with the following anecdote: As I was paying, the proprietor of the store asked me, "so, what did you think of the slice?"
I shrugged my shoulders, gave him a high-brow and said, "eh, it wasn't bad."
To which he replied, "How good can it be? It's just pizza."

Rating:


Kosher-Scale Rating:


Milk'N Honey - $3.81
22 W 45th St
New York, NY 10036
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