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Showing posts with label East Midtown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label East Midtown. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Pizza 33: "The beginning sucked, the middle was okay, the end kind of sucked."


is not worth your time. The place is kind of yuppie looking inside, really sterile and Pier 1 furnished. The employees were really nice, though! Like, it looked like the kind of place where two dudes might get a sideways glance for trying to share one slice. Not the same kind of sideways glance you get from some of the mook pizzamen who are like, "you want me to cut that in half, then?" and I say, "no thanks," pretty nonchalantly, and then they're all "ooooooookay," and give me the high brow. There is like, really important Man Behavior that men are supposed to regulate in each other and that is their attempt at them trying to shame me because how could two dudes possibly share a slice of pizza together? But I will not be swayed!

Bah! Anyway, the way I expected to be made uncomfortable here was more of a snobby, looking down the nose, "these riff raff can't even afford their own pizza?" thing. But no, The dudes behind the counter were super nice! There was also this real bummer yuppie who looked like Kevin Spacey, wearing like, a pink polo shirt and some khaki shorts and a little sweater tied around his shoulders, just BERATING this woman he was with who looked like his mother. There is something a little wild about when people are willing to be totally aggro in public. This guy kept saying stuff like, "well if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, I'm gonna call it a duck!" and "we got bigger fish to fry!" in this really angry voice. It was totally shitty. If you are that guy, and you are reading this, you are a dickhead.


This pizza was REALLY orange and it tasted really orange. The first bites were too thin, didn't really have any sauce, and the cheese was cheapish, not horrible, but not good. Towards the middle the ratios got decent, like the crust thickened up a bit and there started being enough sauce, which was totally middle of the road. But then at the end it got thin again, and the crust was the texture of matzoh. Ultimately this slice just isn't worth it.

Rating:


Pizza 33 - $2.75
489 3rd Ave (@ 33rd)
New York, NY 10016

Monday, July 19, 2010

Pizza & Pita: "A pleasant surprise on the East Side."


I expected to be pretty disappointed by , mostly because of the name. Because, for real, my experiences thus far with any kind of Mediterranean/Halal/Kosher pizza have been severely lacking. For some reason I expected this place to be kosher, which is arguably the worst of those three, and was surprised to walk in and find a roomful of young muslims chowing slices hella hard and talking about school.


I was way more surprised, though, when the pizza turned out to be any good. Because places with dietary restrictions on them are generally pretty bad! And the last Halal slice I can recall was Nasa Pizza up in Harlem, and I didn't really go to bat for that place. But this slice, while not outstanding or incredible was totally ADEQUATE, and compared to some of the shit slices that me and Ben Trog chomped down, it was like a glimmering oasis in a desert of... this slice begs the question, I am comfortable making the same level of pg-rated jokes about Halal pizza as I make about Kosher pizza?! And the answer is YES, But I am not familiar enough with the Qur'an or Sharia Law to make decent puns! It is a true tragedy.

Anyway, the slice, the slice. This slice had good ratios and a very acceptable texture. The ingredients were all of superb quality, though I could've done with a little more grease. The sauce was decent and understated, though not, To Die For. The crust, was the weakest link, in that it seemed to lack any noticeable quantity of salt, which wasn't so noticeable under the cheese and sauce, but at the heel, it became a powdery dry saltless mess. However, crust aside, this slice was totally DECENT. I would not complain if I ate it, though I wouldn't sit there going, "FUCK!... THIS PIZZA!... ARE YOU TASTING THIS THING?... THIS IS.... FUCK." I would just eat it in a quiet and businesslike fashion and be totally satisfied at the end but never remember it or talk about it again.

Rating:

Pizza & Pita - $2.50
344 E 34th St (1st & 2nd)
New York, NY 10016

Friday, July 16, 2010

Rosa's: "In my eyes, in disposed, in disguise as no one knows."


looked alright. It seems like a decent enough place. The people in there were really nice. We wanted coffee so they brewed us a fresh pot and brought the cups to our table where we were sharing one slice. Totally great service. There is a huge seating area in the back where this really adorable family was sitting. Even though I think breeding is usually irresponsible, I can appreciate a cute baby, and this couple that was in there had a really cute baby. The dad talked kind of like Joe Pesci and was also adorable in the way where seeing roughhewn, masculine dudes act cutesy with a child is totally heartwarming. There was also this really weird situation where they had a whole wall of windows that could have potentially looked out onto a backyard or something, but someone on the other side had built a wall right up against it, so you just had a view of a hastily constructed, wooden wall. It was weird but made me happy for some reason.


Ben and me were the only people in the back besides that family, so we tried not to be too rambunctious or obscene in our pizza reviewing. The slice came out piping hot (a good thing), so we sipped our coffee for a while and let it cool down. I thought it was pretty promising, but was sorely mistaken.


This slice simply didn't taste like anything. I don't know what the deal is, but it just like, had no flavor. The texture was alright but nothing wonderful. It just tasted like an absence. Total Black Hole Slice. It was really kind of disappointing. I asked Ben to draw me a picture of how this slice made him feel and this is what he gave me:


Rating:

Rosa's Pizza - $2.50
629 2nd Ave (34th & 35th)
New York, NY 10016

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Abitino's: "Hopefully the is the last time I have to write this review."


again. For those that don't remember, check out One, Two and Three. Fuck this whole place. The pizza here is totally "whatevs" and the "vibe" is like, this miserable yuppie hell. I kind of touched on this the other day when I was talking about that miserable shithole Libretto's, but there is really nothing I hate more than fakers. Like, I think the need to establish authenticity all the time is pretty bogus and counter-productive (whattup, Theodor?) but what I find more distasteful on a really guttural and emotional level is the desire to deceive people with false authenticity or people who try to use their genuine authenticity to push an inappropriate agenda. Let's call a fig a fig here, I'm talking about poseurs and sellouts. What can I say, I came up in the 90s street punk scene. That really is the extent of my or any of my peers' politics besides Unity with the Skins and Fuck Giuliani.

The inside of this Abitino's is just as polished and clean yet pretend rustic as the other ones. It has the same exact Italian American Family Life Pastiche as the other Abitinos (Abitinoes?) do. It has the same listless, totally miserable employees and probably the same middling managerial types and definitely the same presumably douchebag owner or managing corporation or whatever. Seriously, don't bother. This is one step away from Famous Famiglia.


And this American Cheese-colored crap slice was Gar-Bajj! What a waste of time! When I lifted this slice up the very end fell off because it was so weighted down with grease. Boo Hiss Boo Hiss.

Rating:

Abitino's - $2.75
733 2nd Ave (39th & 40th)
New York, NY 10016

Friday, July 9, 2010

New York's Delicious Pizza & Restaurant: "I don't have a problem with you cookin' me, but I do have a problem with you not cookin' me."


There's a lot going on with that I am immediately skeptical of. For one thing, I find it questionable when a pizza place has to say "New York" in its name when it's in New York. Except I Love NY Pizza, which is awesome and hella grimy. But generally, that shit is not something I am fond of. Secondly, what is "American Coffee"? Are we known for our coffee around here? I would think that serving American Coffee would be something that you wouldn't want to brag about. It just makes me think of the bulk of the coffee I've had all over America, which is watery/burnt gas station sludge. Maybe if they said, "New York Coffee" I'd know they meant watery/burnt sludge with too much milk and sugar in it, but American Coffee to me is just ambiguous and weird in the same way that calling your pizzeria on 2nd Ave "New York's Delicious Pizza" seems like weird reaching. You know what it is, and I don't mean to sound xenophobic here, and like I always say, if I cross a line trying to be funny or explain an idea, CALL ME ON IT, but it just sounds... foreign. Like an exchange student or something from a John Hughes movie. "Yes, yes, super cool! Is New York's Delicious Pizza! We are havink American Coffee!" I don't know. You know what I mean? This is not like, some Fuck Foreign People rant, I don't even know what that means. Two of my four grandparents are Foreign, which makes me Half-Foreign, so whatever, fuck you, okay?

Oh and you know what? After all that Ben ordered a cup of coffee and they didn't have any. Come on!


And whatever, this pizza totally sucked. It was totally pale and bland! The cheese was cheap crap! The sauce may have been good but I couldn't really tell in the midst of all this garbage! And the dough? The Dough?! The Dough!!! Ugh it was the worst.


There was at least like, a half a centimeter of fully uncooked, totally raw, shitty, pasty dough. I was pulling strings of raw dough out from between my teeth. It was so disgusting. Like the most disgusting. If there was anything redeemable about this slice before, there certainly isn't now. Seriously. Horrible shit here.

Rating:

New York's Delicious Pizza & Restaurant - $2.50
766 2nd Ave (40th & 41st)
New York, NY 10017
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