Showing posts with label Chelsea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chelsea. Show all posts

Monday, October 18, 2010

Pizza Paradise: "This place is alright, but not where I want to end up after I suicide bomb a Pizza Hut."

On Friday I hung out and ate 7 slices of pizza with my fast friend Joe "Joe Porter" Porter. We have worked together at a few different jobs, and we played in a band together for a few years. He currently works at the same job I used to have (and may be trying to beg my way back to) and sings in the awesome band (do you get the reference?) with my friend Danny Zaj and two guys I don't really know all that well. Joe does not really like eating a variety of foods. He's no Phil Chapman, but he doesn't exactly have the most diverse tastes. I can't think of the number of times I've seen him eat a plain chicken breast or plain deli turkey sandwich with no vegetables or condiments more times than I can count.

But with his simple taste comes insightful criticism. One time our old band was playing a show at some basement in New Brunswick, and afterwards, everyone was heading over to the to get snacks. I asked Joe if he was going and he said, "NO WAY!" in this super pissed off voice. And I was like, "damn, alright, this must be some Jersey shit." and he was all, "The grease trucks are for little babies who can't decide on one thing to eat so they're just like, wah wah I want french fries wah wah I want falafel wah wah I want mozzarella sticks and then they just put it all on one sandwich and it's DISGUSTING." And while I don't agree necessarily, I kind of love the grease trucks, I do see his point and I am totally charmed by his angry and succinct way of expressing.

NEwayz. On to the pizza.

I tried to go to last week with my friend Tonie, but it was inexplicably closed. Maybe it is one of those weird places that isn't open on the weekends? There's really not much to say about the ambiance of this place. It's a pretty straight forward regular old pizzeria. Nothing ritzy, nothing exceptionally charming, just totally fine or whatever. According to a notable internet encyclopedia,
Paradise (Old East Iranian: pairidaeza) is a place in which existence is positive, harmonious and timeless . It is conceptually a counter-image of the miseries of human civilization, and in paradise there is only peace, prosperity, and happiness. Paradise is a place of contentment, but it is not necessarily a land of luxury and idleness. It is often used in the same context as that of utopia.
And I guess, to the word, that was kind of right on. I was having a sort of bummer day, and then seeing Joe Porter really pepped me up. We haven't really hung out on the regular since we worked together last, and even that was half as much hanging out as when we played music together. Because we are both grown ups and we have busy lives, we don't necessarily have all the idle time we did as young bummy punx to drink afternoon beers on the stoop and talk shit. So it was really nice to see Joe and being with him at Paradise Pizza, I did feel contentment. But it definitely wasn't a luxurious or idle contentment, since the only time we had found to see each other was for him to participate in a creative project I'm working on.

The pizza here was good. Joe really liked it. I didn't like it as much as he did, but it satisfied me. The cheese was excellent quality, with good elasticity and flavor. The sauce tasted a little can-y, but it wasn't bad at all. The dough and crust were EXCELLENT, cooked perfectly, salted perfectly, and as risen perfectly as the Great Pizzaola's one son, Jessie Crust, who was given as a gift unto us to rise overnight, and who is returned to his mother whenever a perfect slice is eaten. The crust itself was seriously so good. Prompting Joe to remark, "I wish you could buy just crusts. Like, I wish whenever anyone ordered pizza, the guy asked them if they wanted the crust or not, and if they didn't he could cut it off and fold the rest of their slice into some kind of gross pizza pocket, and then when I came in I could get just a little wax paper bag of crusts, like french fries." What a weirdo.


Pizza Paradise - $2.50
12 W 18th St (5th & 6th)
New York, NY 10011

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Rocky's I: "I like this place."

is great. I came here by myself while walking around this neighborhood. This is actually the first review slice I've eaten alone since the first Pizza Mission over a year ago when Sweet Tooth got lost in the subway and couldn't find me. I walked in and the pizza guy was all smiles, chatting up some customers ahead of me in line. While I will always appreciate a Surly Grump behind the counter, it is really nice when someone is obviously in a radiantly good mood. Like, it just makes my day better to see someone else be happy. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went down, but in the span of time it took me to order "one regular, please" the guy must've had god bless me about half a dozen times.

This slice is great. So great in fact, that I gobbled it up like bachelorettes eating penis shaped novelty foods and immediately ordered another. When I asked the guy behind the counter for one more, he flashed this grin and said, "you love it, right?" And I did.

The second slice was identical to the first and I identically ate it super fast and ordered a third! Seriously. It's only because I was alone and wasn't planning on going to any other pizzerias. The third slice was slightly undercooked, but such is life, right? At that point I didn't even care.

So, this slice is pretty damn near perfect. The cheese was a great quality and has a delicious flavor, without being overbearing or underwhelming. The sauce was not too in your face but definitely adds a distinct touch of slight sweetness and tomato tang to round out the slice. The dough was perfectly textured, just the right thickness and totally salty enough, which is often a problem. Where it spread to the crust, it was neither billowing, nor stingy, but "just right" with soft, tender innards and greasy crunchy outtards. This is an A+ slice.


Rocky's I - $2.50
304 W 14th St (8th & 9th)
New York, NY 10014

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Alberto's Pizza & Cheese Steak: "I don't want to do this."

Alberto's Pizza and Cheesesteak has a nice awning, but this place is disgusting and there is no real ambience at all. I think there is something that cheesesteak grease adds to the air in a pizzeria that makes the pizza gross, because 5 Star Cheesesteak & Pizza, which I ate at a long while ago, was also totally gross.

The pizza was no good, but it did cost a dollar. The sauce was disgusting as all anything, the cheese was totally gross and plasticy, and the dough was bland as all anything. It might just be wildly inconsistent, because when I was photocopying Slice Harvester Quarterly #2, I'm pretty sure me and Paulie came and got a slice here and it was alright. But whatever, that is a vague recollection and the slice I had the other day totally blew chunks.


Alberto's Pizza & Cheese Steak - $1
539 Ave of the Americas (14th & 15th)
New York, NY 10011

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Brick Oven Pizza 33: "It bears noting that this place did not seem to have a brick oven."

This place, while it did look like totally dire yuppie hell, was actually not all that bad. There was a really pleasant sidewalk seating area, which made for some pretty cool people watching. I am not one to take pictures of strangers and post them on my blog, but there was this guy with like, the damn 1980's Hollywood Scumbag balding-dude ponytail, except it was made of dreads so it was basically Predator hair, and he was built like a totally jacked football player gone to seed, and he was wearing these insane leather pants and like, a BOLD blue blazer. It was pretty much the awesomest style I have seen in ages and I was so pumped that he is out in the world "doin' him" or whatever.

This slice was good, not great, but absolutely not big enough to cost $2.75. I want to get that out of the way immediately and make sure it is very clear. I would probably have to eat three of these slices to get full in most instances and that is just UNCOOL. Like, waaaaaaaay uncool. Otherwise, this slice was pretty great. The sauce was delicious and the cheese was not AMAZING, but was totally better than just good enough. The whole slice, and the crust especially, could've used a little bit more salt, but that is an easily remediable situation. All in all, between the people watching and the decent slice, I might eat here again despite the steep price and small size.

This slice would've been a 5.5-6, but the small size coupled with the price knocked it down to a 5.

Brick Oven Pizza 33 - $2.75
527 6th Ave (at 14th)
New York, NY 10011 

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Fat Sal's Pizza: "The Crackdown."

Longtime readers will recognize this awning from my three prior visits to a location. To recap, the first time they tried to poison me, the second time they tried to confuse me and the third time they just settled into a comfortable groove of mediocrity, where they seem to have remained on this fourth visit. Ultimately, though, eating the pizza here, and especially compared to the other pizza in Chelsea, I realized that whether or not I like the pizza at Fat Sal's they are Making Pizza. Maybe the owners and pizzamen and customers of Fat Sal's just have different pizza standards. Or maybe they were once totally great, and that one perfect slice I had with Kever and Ernie was like those moments where you think Magneto is going to get it together and just accept that Professor X is right. Unless you are some hardline Vegan Reich dingus, in which case you probably always loved Magneto. One time at a party a million years ago I was talking to some starry-eyed young vegan anarchist and told him that my girlfriend and I were planning on having a baby so we could raise it like a veal calf and take pictures of it's mangled deformed body from being raised in a cage, to humanize the terrible cost of veal to the square world so they'd finally understand what it was like and homeboy WAS TOTALLY INTO IT. I think veal is majorly lame and I don't eat it, but really? If there's anything the Slice Harvester does not endorse it is genuine zealotry.

Anyway, this slice was pretty bad. One good thing that came out of it, though, is that Tonie called the crust "the rim" and that was pretty cool. Here is the rundown. Totally dry, but that meant it had a good crunch, at least. The cheese was cheapo and there was not enough sauce, but you could tell this was real pizza made by a real pizzaman. Nothing to right home about, obviously, but we finished it and it wasn't THAT BAD. Also, a plus was that the grease wasn't the same viscosity as semi-dry candle wax.


Fat Sal's - $2.50
217 W 14th St
New York, NY 10011
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