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Showing posts with label Bummer Slice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bummer Slice. Show all posts

Friday, September 9, 2011

Cucina Bene Pizzeria: "Good kitchen? Bad pizza."


's slice was just as bad, if not worse than Grotto, but the place lacked any of Grotto's weird, maniac charm. It was totally bland. Just a big room, painted horrible colors (bright blue/bright yellow), with a GIANT flatscreen. Like the giantest television I have ever seen. Imagine the most ostentatious Miami drug dealer you can think of and then think about how big his imaginary TV is and then like, times that by eleventy thousand. Because seriously, this thing was fucking SO BIG.


This slice also tasted like a battery. Jen thinks they must use the same distributor as Grotto. Whatever it is, this pizza gave me the same in the back of my throat. This slice was also too thin and totally insubstantial and I felt like I had been ripped off. The crust was totally stingy and what there was of it stunk. BOOOOO! Get off my phone!

Rating:


Cucina Bene Pizzera - $2.50
41 Exchange Pl (Broad & William)
New York, NY 10005

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Grotto Pizzeria & Restaurant: "It can't rain all the time."

Oy vey! Yesterday was such a rainy day, and it is supposed to keep being a rainy day for the next FOREVER. . I woke up at a reasonable hour and took the train into the city with my girlfriend Cha-Cha so I could drop her off at her tango lesson at noon. I had nothing to do for an hour and a half, because at 1:30 I had plans to meet up with my friend Jennifer Shagawat, who runs that awesome and is also one half of the band . The thing about Shellshag is that they are like, the most hardworking band on Earth, and also the most fun band in the Universe. I don't remember the first time I saw Shellshag, and I couldn't even count how many times I've seen them since then. I am just constantly impressed by all kinds of stuff about them:
Songs are awesome
Hella good hair on both of them.
Excellent attitudes.
Live show, ta die faw.
Lordamercy!
S is for smoking weed.
Hard times? Shellshag will help you through them.
Apple orange grapefruit tangerine.
Groovin' hard, lookin' sharp, kickin' butt, SUMMAH.

So yeah, I originally drafted that list in glitter glue on a neon poster board, but I don't have a scanner big enough to scan it. (I don't have any scanner at all.) ANYWAY! I started writing this at work after eating pizza, BUT THEN it was busy at the diner and I drank too much coffee so I could multitask but it was still too busy to stop and write AND THEN after work I was gonna do it but I got home and me and Kevin hung out and I cleaned under my bed because I was super wired from the coffee AND THEN I was like, "I'll go to bed at a reasonable hour and I'll do it in the morning" BUT THEN I decided to watch the X-Files before bed and you know what they say about the X-Files "once you pop the fun don't stop" AND NOW it's like, almost 7am and I have been up all night watching the X-Files. OOPS! Anyway, here is a Slice Harvester now. And I am losing my mind.

So yeah, I met Jen way down on Broadway after walking a great distance in the rain. I was soaking wet and hungry and really excited because I had scoped out our first pizza place and it looked CRAZY!


WHAT?! is like, not a pizza place from real life. This is a pizza place from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. The front door just leads to a really claustrophobic staircase and then that just runs into an unnecessary seeming door that opens awkwardly and then you are in this weird basement space with the lowest ceilings ever and there everything is really bright colors and there are no windows and the people are all weirdos. AKA my dream come true.


Even though the environment was super cool this slice sucked and it tasted like I was eating a battery. The cheese was fine, and the dough was okay quality but spread so thin I ate the whole slice in like half a bite. And the sauce was the nastiest. Seriously, have you ever a eaten a battery? I haven't, but I imagine eating a battery would taste like this slice tastes.


Rating:


Grotto Pizzeria & Restaurant - $2.50
69 New St (Exchange & Beaver)
New York, NY 10004

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Steve's Pizza: "Boston style pizza."


 is a horrid and sad place, however, everyone in there seemed happy despite that fact. There is a huge banner on the outside of Steve's, which is attached to a place called Charly's, which sells "Burgers Philly Steaks Burritos Grilled Chicken," proclaiming that they serve "The Finest NYC Pizza" or something like that. It's places like this that give the banner outside Pizza Suprema a negative connotation. Because the pizza here, it totally blows! They had a pretty cool statue of an ugly pizzaman, though.


After getting our slice, we looked around for some seating until we realized that if we walked through Charly's, there was a staircase, and it led to another floor, full of cafeteria style seating. I actually helped some Midwestern Cornbread Dad carry his baby stroller up the steps while his other 40 kids ran in circles around his ankles. When we got upstairs it was more of the same. Cornbread Tourist Families just slobbing pizza down their throats before they wait in line to look at the Ground Zero Rubble so they can tear up while they hum the Star Spangled Banner and their kids swat flies and have no idea what the significance of that moment is because they weren't even born yet in 2001. I don't even know where I'm going with this.


This slice was the biggest piece of garbage. It's like gas station/roller rink/bowling alley/birthday party pizza, but it's missing any of the sentimental umph. There was just nothing going for it. Ross, who is a Boston native, called this slice "Boston style pizza." For those that don't know, Boston is famous for it's Greek Pizza, which is famous for being brittle and having poorly spiced sauce, both of which were exhibited in this slice. Ross said, "Greeks have contributed a lot of things to modern society. Pizza is not one of them." This slice was a fucking bummer. Whatever, just don't go here.

Rating:

Steve's Pizza - $2.50
110 Cedar St (at Trinity)
New York, NY 10006

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Pizza and Pasta Delight: "Double your pleasure, double your chin."

Last week I went and ate pizza with my close personal friend Chuck Van Dyke and my close personal acquaintance Matt Winn. Chuck is from Paris, TN, but mysteriously, Matt has a thicker Southern accent than him even though he grew up on Lawnguyland. He seems smart and reads a lot of thick books. I don't know him that well, so I'll just leave it at that.

Chuck, though, I know that guy real good. I met Chuck many years ago playing a show at the Jerk House and he was so shy and mysterious that I decided I had to be his friend. He was living in Chattanooga at the time, but I hung out with him a couple of times when he was coming through on tour and then one day he came to stay at The Fort for like, two weeks or something. Some time in there I got called in last minute to record The John Candies tape, and I was over there in the bedroom that Good Kid Paulie was sharing with like, 40 people. I was trying to set up the four track and was having tons of trouble getting the drums sounding right. I went out in the living room where I saw Chuck sitting on the couch and was like, "hey man, will you listen to something for a second? I can't get these drums sounding right." And he was all, "nah, I gotta go, I'm late for work." "Work?! How long are you in town for?" "I dunno... I guess I moved here."

At the time, Chuck had this goofy green hair and I think he maybe even had an earring and he definitely wore a sport strap on his glasses and he seemed so weird and I liked all the bands he had been in and so I was just like "I must best-friend this man." And then it was a total courtship. I took him for a bike ride to the museum and pretended that it was something I do all the time, and then we went to the record store and then ate tacos and drank beer at the water. I made him a Mixed Tape. Eventually I won him over and he became My Dawg and he still accepts me even though I'm not nearly as awesome as I seemed during those first few weeks of our burgeoning friendship. Also, he doesn't have the sport strap any more and his hair is not green, but now it looks like Johnny Ramone or like, Little Lord Fauntleroy or something and he always wears denim shirts, which is equally cool and weird. Anyway, this dude is a total winner.

 

is a weird dead zone. It's hidden away in this weird alcove where no one seems to go and the vibes inside are straight up mundane. Mad mundanity, son! The address of this place should be on Banal Street! Nyuck nyuck nyuck. For real though, one time I was in the car with my mother and I said "I used to always pronounce banal 'baynel' because it smells like anal." I was trying to say "it's spelled like anal" but I Freudian slipped on a big old pile of intellectual doodoo and landed flat on my ass. Not as bad as the time I called my mom after I read about the Sean Bell verdict in the Times and as soon as she answered I was like, "MA I AM SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW I SWEAR TO GOD SOME DAYS YOU JUST WANT TO GO OUT AND MURDER ALL THE FUCKING PIGS IN THIS CITY..." and she was all, "Oh, you know, yeah, that's really great. You're actually on speaker phone because I am driving and your 200 year old conservative grandmother is sitting in the car next to me so now is probably not a good time. But I am sorry to hear you're feeling bad and we should talk about it later." Why am I even mentioning this? Because Pizza & Pasta Delight was such a boring empty dead zone that I have nothing to say about it!

 

And much like the ambiance of P & P Delight, the flavor of this pizza was nearly nonexistent. Matt called it "Ghost Pizza." Something about this whole place reminded me of that haunted train in Final Fantasy III, but sadly, that reference is probably lost on a bulk of my readership. Anyway, this pizza tasted like a piece of winterfresh that you've chewed all the flavor out of. You know how there's still like, a taste to old gum, but it tasted like NOTHING? This pizza is like that. And the texture was a nightmare. Matt said, "you don't even need your teeth to bite this pizza!" and Chuck was like, "yeah, it's like eating a piece of cake." I thought the crust sucked, but Matt seemed to find it inoffensive, at least, so there's that.

Rating:

Pizza & Pasta Delight - $2.55
77 Fulton St (Gold & Cliff)
New York, NY 10038

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Rosella's Pizzeria: "..."


This place is pretty mundane. Caruso's may have had a mediocre slice, but at least they had a charming man! This place had nothing really going for it and was totally unmemorable. At least I had good company, if I had been by myself I might've just Rip Van Winkled the rest of my life away and some children would've unearthed me in the corner 200 years from now with a beard stretching out the East River.


This slice looked straight up NYASTY behind the counter, but it looked a little more promising when it came out of the oven. But looks can be decieving, and a good slice is hard to find. And bad slices come in so many forms, so let me tell you about this one. Firstly, this slice is incredibly insubstantial. Everyone appreciates a thin crust, but this slice takes that concept too far. It is waifish, a will o' the wisp. This slice should extra in Oliver Twist or time travel and star in a . This slice also had wet, sloppy sauce and totally bad cheese. My notes end with a resigned "this is just crummy." I don't know what else to say! It just ain't good.

Rating:


Rosella's Pizzeria - $2.70
164 William St (Ann & Beekman)
New York, NY 10038
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