Showing posts with label Awesome Shithole. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Awesome Shithole. Show all posts

Monday, July 11, 2011

Friendly Gourmet Pizza: "No part of the name of this place has any resemblance to actual real life."

The other day I had the most post-internet experience I've ever had in my life. More post-internet than the handful of OKCupid dates I went on a few years ago (that's right, I'll own up to it)! I recently became aware of Internets Celebrities, a duo of native New Yorkers who make thought-provoking, oftentimes hilariously insightful videos about a variety of topics, most relating to New York City. , ostensibly about the rumored correlation between the price of a slice and the price of a single subway fare, but actually a biting commentary on the lack of services provided by the MTA despite consistent price increases. Their succinct findings: "The MTA is essentially charging us $2.50 for a $1 slice."

A week or two ago, , one half of IC, twortled on twerter inviting strangers to meet him for lunch. I think I was the first and maybe only person to respond, and so a short few days later, we met up outside to get a slice. Two strangers, joined by one common trait: an abundance of time on the internet. Would we butt heads, would a fast and enduring friendship form? My mind was full of questions as I made my way down the stairs of my building to unlock my bike and head to Nassau Street.

Sadly, when I got downstairs, someone had locked my brake cable into their u-lock! I was aghast and furious. In a hasty act of defiance, I took a permanent marker and wrote a note across their top tube that said "BE MORE CAREFUL NEXT TIME" and then got onto the J train, afraid that I might be late and miss out on meeting Rafi.

On the train, the reality of my situation began to set in: I had just deliberately vandalized a bike that my bike was still locked to. Ergo, I would likely return to Brooklyn to find my bike vandalized. There was no question that the party responsible for my misfortune got off easy. Locking up someone else's bike is an amateur mistake, and sharpie washes off easy enough. But I had set myself up to be the recipient of easy vengeance, and I was none too pleased with my own rash and amateurish behavior.

This picture was taken on a prior pizza mission, when I got to Friendly Gourmet too late and it was closing for the night.
By the time I got to Friendly Gourmet, I looked a mess, and I was feeling like a total greasy weirdo. I was positive this stranger would see me for the loathsome shitbreather I am and would turn around in disgust at the very sight of me, but I held my ground and stood around outside the pizza parlor, which was tiny and cute, with a constantly moving line out the door. There was no seating to speak of, just a hastily assembled "countertop jutting out of the side of the building. As I waiting for Rafi, I was transfixed watching the flow of people moving in and out of the tiny storefront, the line out front ebbing and flowing like the tide. The place was cute as hell and they seemed to be running a pretty professional operation. I was getting excited to try the slice, and pretty soon all my concerns melted away. By the time Rafi strolled over I was cool as a cucumber and we stepped inside to get our slices.

I got a plain slice and Rafi got a grandma slice (not pictured). Mine smelled good and looked like it could be anywhere from passably decent to absolutely great, but I knew it wouldn't be bad. This slice had too much sauce, but otherwise, it was totally good. The sauce taste was a little overwhelming, but I think in a more moderate quantity it could definitely be a more subtle component in the complex flavor of a good slice, as opposed to the edible equivalent your hamfisted, slightly drunk uncle who is nice when he's sober, but who, after his fifth beer, talks too loud about uncomfortable subjects on Thanksgiving. But even with the sauce acting like a dickhead, the quality of the rest of the slice shined through! The cheese, while nothing to write home about was actually decent. That shouldn't carry the weight that it does, but it seems that these days most pizza places are using pretty crummy ingredients. The dough was crunchy and maintained it's integrity. The crust was crunchy enough without being brittle, and salty enough, which is really all you can ask for.

Rafi didn't seem too awed by this piece of pizza, but he hasn't been in the trenches like I have. (No offense, dude!) Compared to most of the shit they are slinging in this town, this slice is incredible. I know I've said this a million times, but in my dreamworld Crimethinc Utopia ruled by a kindly wizard, a slice this good would be the worst pizza around. However, in our sick fucking society (SFS), where everything is so backwards that , and , there is obviously no justice or sanity, so most pizza sucks and this pizza, which is by all accounts totally good, just not great, stands out as a shining beacon of hope amidst the shit.

Fuck the world.


Friendly Gourmet Pizza - $2.50
59 Nassau St (at John)
New York, NY 10038

I got so worked up being angry about the pervasive rape culture and systematic violent oppression in this country, I forgot to talk about what happened to my bike! Are you ready for this? Take a deep breath...

Nothing. Nothing happened. My guess is that whoever was unobservant enough to lock my brake cables was also unobservant enough not to notice that I had written across their top tube in permanent marker! I was thinking on the bus ride home from my girlfriend's house that night that if I saw them, I would offer to wash off my graffito if they paid me the $9 I had to spend in public transit costs because my bike was stuck to a pole all day.

Also, while I'm talking about the pervasive rape culture:
Attn: All Male-Bodied Dudes! Every time your cousin or your coworker or your best friend from high school or your neighbor who you are having a beer with on the stoop makes a rape joke and you don't say shit, YOU are personally responsible for creating a climate in which survivors are not taken seriously. Don't forget that.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Multi Tastes Diner: "This will mostly be photographs."

is my new favorite place on Earth! It is a veritable heaven for the eclectic palate and a miserable hell for the indecisive. There are like, four or five hundred items on the menu! Pizza is item #320 and is $2.00, but there is also roti, oxtail, prawns and chicken szechuan style, burgers, chicken fingers, milkshakes, veal milanese, crab cakes, Alizé... fucking ALIZE. Let's drink some Alizé and eat some spring rolls and a beef wellington. FUUUCK! And they have a fishtank. And the place is full of fucking WEIRDOS!

The pizza was nothing special. There was this strange like, asteroid belt of weirdness in between the cheese and that crust that was "distinctly neither crust nor pizza," as Alex astutely observed. I said it made me think of the desert planet Arrakis in the Dune Novels, but Greg and Alex didn't have any idea what I was talking about because I guess sci-fi novels are not punk enough for them or something. I'm gonna go back and rewrite Dune and give all the characters dread mullets and denim vests and make it take place in Minneapolis and then maybe they'll pay attention!

 Anyway, like many of my reviews of awesome shitholes, I say come here definitely, but don't bother with the pizza. My guess is that the chinese food is probably the best, then the diner shit, then everything else. Either way, it's worth a stop if you are a connoisseur of strange places.


Multi Tastes Diner - $2.00
23 St James Pl (at Madison)
New York, NY 10038

And I may as well mention, Slice Harvester will be taking a short break next week, because I am going to Miami to meet my girlfriend's family and not care about the NBA playoffs. Wish me luck! Updates will return on Monday the 16th. Thanks for you patience, dogs.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Prince Pizza: "Every time I comb my hair, thoughts of you get in my eyes."

is a wonderful place. I wish beyond wishes that every slice joint could feel the same inside as Prince Pizza. As I walked up to the line to order, Aaron walked straight back to the seating area. The hypervigilant proprietor watched intently as Aaron sat down at a table and then eyed me suspiciously. I returned his stone grill, "Lemme get one regular slice."
"Just one?" And his eyes drifted towards Aaron in the back.
"Yeah, one." I liked this guy, but he didn't trust me.
When I joined Aaron at the table, he said, "I like that guy, he's either got a dislocated shoulder or the best natural swagger I've ever seen."

The back seating area of Prince Pizza looks like a bathroom. Tiles and formica, tiles and formica, tiles and formica. You know the drill. There is years worth of discoloring . This may sound like an indictment to anyone who is a totally shitty snob, but the fact of the matter is that everywhere should be this picturesqely decrepit. It didn't seem dirty, just well-worn, like my / split t-shirt. It can be straight out of the wash and smell so fresh and so clean, but it will never be pristine in color because it's got permanent .

While we were sitting back there, our companions were a couple of bored teenagers, a Bike Messenger (as opposed to a "bike messenger," which is what I used to be), and a few mumbling weirdos. Didn't seem like much of an Office Lunch crowd. More like the dregs of the neighborhood stopping in to chow down. And that was a real pleasant change of pace from most of the other place I've been to around here.

The bummer beneath the beauty is that the slice totally stinks. Aaron called it "loafy," I thought it tasted like sugar. The dough was too thick and not salty enough, the cheese was bland and the sauce had hell of Heinz. Wildly disappointing considering how smitten both A.C. and me were with the interior, and we are both Connoisseurs of Corrosion. If there was a Picturesque Shithole Aficionado magazine, we would be the editors. I will probably still come back here and suffer the bad pizza for the excellent environs.


Prince Pizza - $2.50
642 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY 10022
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